Shotacon!
by Kaeme
Summary: Bleach meets Naruto meets Fruits Basket meets Ouran. For all you Anime Fangirls out there! Imagine all those smexy Anime guys as HOSTS! Fangirls? Of course. Major Crack? Definitely. Romance? How could I NOT! Beware! OCxCharacter & YaoiYuri.


**Shotacon!  
**_Kaeme_

Ouran meets Bleach meets Fruits Basket meets Naruto. For all you Anime Fangirls out there! ;D

Now…what would it be like for ALL those smexy anime guys to be hosts? Will there be… Fangirls? Of course. Major Crack? Definitely. Hilarious Irony? How could I NOT?!

_Glossary Note: Otaku – Fangirl; Flames of Moe – Flames of "Passion" (basically, what a fangirl is a fangirl for); arigatou gozai-masu – thank you very much; sumimasen – I'm very sorry (formal); gomen – sorry (informal); gomenasai – really sorry (informal); Minna-san – everyone._

-:-

**Chapter One: The Divine Otaku Sisterhood**

The swish of fabric upon the ground could be heard as a mass of black swept across St. Agnes' courtyard. At one end of the courtyard was a gate, an intricate piece of swirling black metal upon rows of strict metal bars. The calligraphic 'A' for 'St. Agnes'' was crafted cleverly into the elaborate patterns. Through these opening gates swarmed hundreds of girls, from as young as ten to as old as 20. They teemed at the path leading into St. Agnes', waiting for admission into such a holy place. The gates creaked open completely; its hinges protesting as yet more females pushed and shoved their way into the main courtyard.

Once within, the group scurried across the courtyard, holding their skirts high so as not to dirty them, whilst their capes brushed the ground. On the other side of the enormous plate of cobblestones and grass lawns, an immense old-style wooden door was held open by two 16-year-old twins, both dressed in dark red Victorian-style gowns adorned with light pink and white lace. Their hair was held up strict buns, with unbidden strands at the sides of their faces, and blood-red roses pinned to their hair.

"Welcome, ladies, to the DOS Headquarters. The Celestial Ceremony will begin at midnight, which, I must remind you, is in ten minutes. Make haste, please," the girl standing at right of the entrance addressed the women.

The crowd started to rush through the entrance faster, and soon, everyone had arrived. They traversed the Grand Hall, to another set of doors, in front of which stood another pair of 16-year-olds, dressed in the same "uniform" as the previous pair. "Welcome…to the Divine Otaku Sisterhood Headquarters…" began one Sister, "…place of the Annual Celestial Ceremony…" continued her twin, "…the Final Ritual…Welcome, Sisters, to the TRIDECAGONAL TABLE!!!" Finished both twins with splendor.

"WHAT?!" One of the fangirls in the front of the crowd exclaimed with disbelief. "Okay…let me rephrase myself…you made…a THIRTEEN-sided table?!"

One of the twins looked on in irritation, "Yes…and…?"

"Why the hell didn't you just use a normal number like ten, or something? Or, better yet, make it a ROUND table!!"

"Get out," the other twin glared at the fangirl with reproach. "You are not divine enough to belong in the Sisterhood. Leave. Now."

"Or what?"

"Such impertinence…" the twin's sister put in.

"Or I shall have to take extreme measures…"the twin continued, "How would you like to die via the Imperial Desert Funeral?"

"Pfft. As if you can—"

Suddenly a new, calm voice, filled with venom joined the debate. "As if I can what?"

Some girls swooned. Some stared on in awe and respect. Other actually fell to the ground and started bowing. Still others looked on in pure confusion. For, right before their eyes, stood the "awesomest" Naruto character of them all…well, not really, but you've gotta admit—he _is_ pretty hot…for the Kazekage. Yes—Sabaku no Gaara, Kazekage, former container of Shukaku and master of sand, the renowned "Mr. Sandman."

The rebellious fangirl became beetred. "S-s-sumimasen, Gaara-sama. I will excuse myself now…" she stuttered in her best Japanese (Anime-tutored, of course). She pushed pass the other blushing and swooning fangirls and let herself out the door, running as fast as she could, for fear of her crush crushing her (no pun intended) in a flurry of sand.

"Arigatou gozai-masu, Kazekage-sama. We will take over from here," the twins bowed to the Sand-nin. He disappeared in a whirl of sand grains. "I believe _that_ should teach them not to step out of line," one twin remarked to the other. "Yes, I do agree," the other twin nodded, "Now, Sisters, we must cleanse ourselves before the Holy."

"Repeat," the first twin commanded.

And thus, they began the Holy Incantation for Cleansing Oneself (the Incantation, for short), while the otaku repeated:

"_I swear thusly to the omnipotent Holy One,  
__That upon this ground I stand,  
__I shall do no evil, Nor toast to the Unclean;  
__I shall betroth myself,  
__Wholly, Completely, and Thoroughly,  
__To The Ones before me,  
__For the good of the Sisterhood,  
__For the good of my heart,  
__For the good of all things Anime.  
__Amen."_

"Good. I believe they are ready, Sister," said the second twin to the first.

"Hmph. I suppose so…" said the first, "Alright, then let's reveal ourselves."

They lifted the hem of their gowns and swept the whole uniform off, surprisingly removing their wigs as well. Beneath it all, the confused and shocked fangirls found…

-:-

**A/N:** Now, do you really think I'm capable of such evil as leaving you a horrendous cliffhanger there? Of course not. After all, I'm an otaku too. ;D So, wait, no longer my friend (even though I'm sure some of you have already skipped this annoying Author's Note anyway), and continue with the FANGIRLISM!! ;)

-:-

A mutual gasp filled the corners of the Grand Hall. For, beneath all that fancy Victorian attire laid… the Hitachiin Twins! In all their false-homosexual/incestuous hotness! Amongst the blazing **Flames of Moe**, the fangirls "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"-d their hearts out and screamed joy at the top of their lungs, many more swooning and even some offering money to by the latest Host Club Photo Album.

"Oh…Kaoru…I don't know how I survived seeing you in such elegant beauty without placing my affection in the form of candied kisses all over you…"

"Hikaru…don't speak of such in public…I'm hurt…didn't you think of only me? I wanted our little games all to myself…why must you always tear me apart like this by bringing our secret world to others?" The younger twin began to tear up, his finger at his lips, in a vunerable pouting gesture.

"Kaoru…how could I…? I'm so sorry, brother—no… you are more than that…" Hikaru caressed his brother's cheek and brought his finger down to his chin, lifting up Kaoru's face. This show of brotherly love, of course, brought about yet more screams from the group of girls before them and 60 per cent slipped into unconsciousness, blushes still staining their cheeks.

As with all good things, they must end sooner or later (sigh…I bet you all have wistful looks…), so this wonderful fan-inducing display was cut short. One of the doors behind the twins opened a crack and a certain Gotei 13 captain strolled out. "Tch…you twins ought to have finished your chores if you had time for fan service."

The twins broke apart, much to the dismay of some fans. However, many others now had their eyes locked upon this "mysterious" new guest…

"Ah…gomen, gomenasai, Toshiro-kun," Hikaru bowed, "but…you just look oh-so adorable when you're angry!" His eyes became crescent-moon slits as a Cheshire cat-style grin overcame his face. He put his devotions into this shota-con captain as Kaoru followed his lead, "Oh my, my, we're _so_ sorry, Shiro-chan! We didn't know you'd get oh-so angry at us!" The younger twin caressed Hitsugaya's left side and Hikaru took his right, "Please, don't hesitate to…" at this, Kaoru put his finger to his pouting lips, "**punish** us in that _special_ way you know…"

Ah…there's always a sequel to good things, ne? Some of the 60 per cent swooning fangirls awoke at this and the ceiling nearly collapsed at the amount of screaming, jostling, and yelling there was.

"URASAI!" Hitsugaya broke out of the twins' embrace, "Firstly, it's _Hitsugaya-taichou_ to you; and secondly, get back to your jobs and stop stalling these girls. We've only got five minutes left. So HURRY, dammit!" He disappeared in a swirl of ice crystals.

"Hmph. _Hitsugaya-taichou_ is always so _hard_ on us, Hikaru pouted, "But, I suppose he has a point. Kaoru, call over Sister Akegata, and let's get going."

"Hai." Kaoru rang a small bell he had kept in his pocket. A woman dressed in the Victorian Sisterhood outfit the twins had donned earlier jogged through the open doors and bowed to Kaoru, "Hai, Hitachiin-san."

"Bring these ladies to the Tridecagonal Table. The Celestial Ceremony is due to start in five minutes," Kaoru instructed.

"Hai." The maid nodded. As the twins disappeared in a puff of Jasmine-scented lavender smoke, the maid turned towards the hordes of fangirls, some of which were still awakening from their swooning fit. "Please hurry, Minna-san, the Ceremony cannot wait. Follow me…" She turned and pushed open the doors behind her.

Beyond the doors lay…

-:-

**A/N: **Mmkay, sorry, darlings, but I'll have to cut this one short. I've been working on three other fics, one of which I'm not sure I'll release, and I've been procrastinating a bit… (heheh…gomenasai…). I'll update ASAP (unlike my _'Estranged'_ fic . ), I promise.

Kaeme-chan


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